wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
