Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
