pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
