how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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