So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
he's single and there are thong briefs.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
