my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
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