I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
