My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Just took my morning after pill in the library
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
