I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
