Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
We left an ass print on the piano.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
