everyone is single if you try hard enough
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
