you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
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