He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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