The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Randomize
