Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
