and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
my god I love twenty year old dicks
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
