well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
