Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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