I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
