I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
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