Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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