Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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