The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
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Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
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Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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