so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Randomize
