I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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