ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Randomize
