I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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