oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
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he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
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And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
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