"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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