u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
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