Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Randomize
