i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
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