i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
