Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
