Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
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