Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
