Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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