I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
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