Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Randomize
