I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
