as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
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