DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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