Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
