I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Randomize
