I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
