If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Randomize
