Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
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