remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
i drank out of a bidet.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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