He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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