I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
