homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Apple has a Lot to Explain to iPhone X Customers
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
People Asked The Internet Questions About their Private Parts And The Results Are Hilarious
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.