I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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