At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Randomize
